In Japan there’s a practice, Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired with gold or silver. Pottery that is repaired this way is seen as more beautiful than before it was broken.
“I am broken.” Mumbling that phrase is harder than the pride I had to swallow to admit it. I’ve spent too long hiding in my mind pretending that I’m okay. I’ve lived behind a facade for long enough. I have stayed quiet for long enough. I’m tired of hearing how strong I am, and how brave I am for the battles I have faced. People praise me for hurting rather than picking up the pieces. Society even tells me to stay broken because I am a victim, but I don’t want that. I want to pick up my pieces and move on, be filled with the gold and stand taller for it. True beauty is overcoming. “Victim” and “Survivor” are two words I do not want associated with my name. Yes, I have been bullied, verbally abused, molested, sexually harassed, cheated on, and much more. In the moment I suffered and was a victim, but that word does not define who I am or who I will be. Yes, I have struggled with physical and mental health, but I have overcome. In the moment I was a survivor battling my demons, but right now I’m me. Those were only temporary moments of my life. Society says I should be seeking revenge or holding a grudge against those who’ve scarred me, but today I’ve started looking for ways to forgive them. When I have panic attacks I find myself involuntarily repeating, “I just wanna go home.” Even if I am already home that phrase still finds its way to the forefront of my mind. It causes me to wonder where the home I am wishing for truly is. I realize now, it’s where the gold is filling me up everyday. Where the hope came from to survive the night that I held the pill bottle in my hand. I wouldn’t have overcome death that night if it wasn’t for my gold and silver standing beside me whispering truth into my ears. I am not strong or brave because of what I have faced but because what stood by me and inside of me was stronger and braver than the past could have ever been. My gold, no, my God is stronger than any opposition thrown my way. I am weak, but he is strong, and I am not defined by my past but by the future he has laid out for me. One to prosper and not to harm me. Yes, I was broken, but I have been restored with the finest golds and silvers. My God has allowed me to overcome the past, and tomorrow I will stand even stronger for it. I was beautifully and fearfully created in his image for he was the one to pick up the pieces and mend me.
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Photo credit:
Chandler Wells |