You By Anonymous
I remember that day strangely vividly. I always tend to just stare at my ceiling and think about that day. That day always sat with me. I could never tell whether or not it was good or not. It always resonated as something indescribable. Why did it happen? Destiny never existed to me but was this destiny telling me it existed? Destiny is torture. Destiny sounds happy but it isn’t. It was nothing but an antagonizing moment of something. Why did it happen? Why was it the way that it was? I blinked.
Now, I sit here. I’m staring at my ceiling. I’m holding my eyepatch this time. It’s off, I thought to myself. Not that the feeling in the air was off, but the patch. I had my eyepatch off. I silently pulled it up to my face and stared at it. The black cloth looked nice against my snow pale hands. The strings were entangled in my fingers, stretching down past my wrist. I then touched the skin underneath my eye. Then I started to think again. It was about you. My mind instantly became clouded with thoughts and pictures of you. Then images of that day started to roll in the film that flew past my eye. That day was so unbelievably agonizing yet I find myself thinking about it. Thinking of you. I thought of you. Of you. You. Just you. That day and you. No matter what way I put it, the subject is you.
I sit up. That day, I thought. I tried to speak but nothing could develop from my vocal cords, but my lips stay parted just in case the words decided to spill and flow out like a waterfall. Then my thoughts started to rain, worse than what a hurricane could do. A cloud sat over me and it rained these thoughts on me. Then, the movie, that day, finally played in its entirety....
The day was cloudy. The smoke made it like that. I sat amongst the rubble of all the buildings that had gotten destroyed. I was cold. I was cold and my jacket was ripped through and so was my skin. Blood stained the edges of the ripped shirt and pants, but I didn’t even bother to move to get help for myself. We were told we won, but did we? Sitting there didn’t feel like a victory. Sitting there felt like a lost. I felt lost. I was alone. I was dead. I was quiet. I was nothing. I remember looking around at everything. Tokyo’s buildings now piles of cement and metal, sitting still with no intentions to move. There were some random beams and wire that were out, the wires that scared me. What was that? Oh, a fire. It was a fire. Nothing to grow off of so I didn’t care. It was silent. You don’t get that in Tokyo, especially for people like us. It was never quiet. So much running and for what? Nothing, but hey, we won. That’s what they said we did.
I curled up a bit more, hugging my knees to my chest. I was still alone. It felt like hours that I was alone. I started to sing to myself at some points even, just to fill that deafening silence. I had small conversations with myself to fill the silence. I threw rocks, I broke glass, I ripped paper, I did anything to fill the silence. The silence felt like a monster, eating away at what sound there was. It scared it away. Now it was scaring me. Now it was scratching at me. Eventually I gave up and laid down, even though it hurt. Stones aren’t comfortable to lay on. They’re cold and hard. These ones were rigid and scratched up my skin more, but I couldn't get up. It felt so nice to lay down. I wasn’t relaxed but I was laying down. Then it happened.
I was crying now. I was silent for the most part, but I was still crying. Crying didn’t come easy to me, but it was coming easier now. But I just remember crying so much that the tears formed a puddle under my head. Then I heard the footsteps. I got scared when I heard them. I thought it was another one of those “investigators.” One that may have survived. I just closed my eyes, ready to accept my fate when I felt something slide to my face. It was warm and comforting. I opened my eyes and there you were. There you were. You had your hand on my face, cupping it gently. Your finger pushed up underneath the eyepatch and pulled it off. Then you smiled. I have never seen you smile before. You had always been so serious, but here you were smiling at the wreck that was me. You told me we won, that we’ll be safe now. I remember not understanding fully if we did actually win. What if you were just saying that?
I sighed. Maybe it was over. That means we could live in peace. I sat up and looked at you. You smiled again and helped me up. Then there was knocking. No, there wasn’t knocking. Why am I hearing knocking? It’s getting too loud. You said my name. No, you were silent the whole time. Why am I hearing this? This didn’t happen. This didn't happen! Make it stop this didn't happen! Knock! Knock! Knock! Toruu! Knock! This didn't happen!
I shot my eyes open to the present. That wasn’t right, then I heard it. There was some knocking at the door. That’s why it didn’t happen. I rubbed my eyes to wake myself up. I guess I had fallen asleep. The lack of sleep caught up with me finally, I guess. But what now? What now? Now? I don't know. I should know. But I don’t. I guess I should get up, answer the door maybe. Maybe that would be helpful.
“TORUU! Toruu!” Someone kept yelling my name. Then the knocking got louder. I got up shakily, my legs ready to give out already. I started to put one foot in front of the other and did the same thing over and over again. I then paused at the door. Why was this familiar? It was so familiar. Deja Vu. I hate it. What was this? Why did it feel so familiar? I don't know what to do. This person is still yelling at the door for me to open the door because they see my shadow under the door. But I don’t want to open the door. I hate the open door. I hate that they’re yelling at me. So I have to open the door. But I don't want to open the door.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Me.” The person replied.
Then it hit me.
It hit me. It’s you, isn’t it? It’s you. You’re here. You’re calling me. It’s you wanting me to open the door. This feeling. I was sensing you. I felt my face tug to a smile. My heart started to race significantly. I thought my heart was going to explode from how fast it was going. My hands began to shake. They even started to gravitate toward the knob. My body knew who it was, and it wanted to see that person. I wanted to see that person. I had to see that person. It wasn’t wanted, it was needed. I needed to see you. If I didn’t, I don’t know what I would do. Finally, the compulsion broke, and I acted on it. My hands grabbed the knob and quickly turned it. I threw the door open and-
What? Why was there that knocking? I sat up in the bed and went to the door.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Me.”
The sense of happiness and safety I felt. My heart began to pick up speed and my hands shook. This overwhelming feeling of love. I don’t want it to stop. It was so nice. It was SO sweet. It was everything to me and I would kill to have that feeling again. And the one action I can remember is that I opened that door so quickly.
What was this? I don't understand. What is this? I fell to my knees. What? I can’t hear the yelling, the words, the air, the wheels, the medical equipment. I couldn't see anything. It was all blurry spots. Whatever this was, it hurts. It hurts. Because when I opened that door, it wasn’t you standing there. It wasn’t. You.
Now, I sit here. I’m staring at my ceiling. I’m holding my eyepatch this time. It’s off, I thought to myself. Not that the feeling in the air was off, but the patch. I had my eyepatch off. I silently pulled it up to my face and stared at it. The black cloth looked nice against my snow pale hands. The strings were entangled in my fingers, stretching down past my wrist. I then touched the skin underneath my eye. Then I started to think again. It was about you. My mind instantly became clouded with thoughts and pictures of you. Then images of that day started to roll in the film that flew past my eye. That day was so unbelievably agonizing yet I find myself thinking about it. Thinking of you. I thought of you. Of you. You. Just you. That day and you. No matter what way I put it, the subject is you.
I sit up. That day, I thought. I tried to speak but nothing could develop from my vocal cords, but my lips stay parted just in case the words decided to spill and flow out like a waterfall. Then my thoughts started to rain, worse than what a hurricane could do. A cloud sat over me and it rained these thoughts on me. Then, the movie, that day, finally played in its entirety....
The day was cloudy. The smoke made it like that. I sat amongst the rubble of all the buildings that had gotten destroyed. I was cold. I was cold and my jacket was ripped through and so was my skin. Blood stained the edges of the ripped shirt and pants, but I didn’t even bother to move to get help for myself. We were told we won, but did we? Sitting there didn’t feel like a victory. Sitting there felt like a lost. I felt lost. I was alone. I was dead. I was quiet. I was nothing. I remember looking around at everything. Tokyo’s buildings now piles of cement and metal, sitting still with no intentions to move. There were some random beams and wire that were out, the wires that scared me. What was that? Oh, a fire. It was a fire. Nothing to grow off of so I didn’t care. It was silent. You don’t get that in Tokyo, especially for people like us. It was never quiet. So much running and for what? Nothing, but hey, we won. That’s what they said we did.
I curled up a bit more, hugging my knees to my chest. I was still alone. It felt like hours that I was alone. I started to sing to myself at some points even, just to fill that deafening silence. I had small conversations with myself to fill the silence. I threw rocks, I broke glass, I ripped paper, I did anything to fill the silence. The silence felt like a monster, eating away at what sound there was. It scared it away. Now it was scaring me. Now it was scratching at me. Eventually I gave up and laid down, even though it hurt. Stones aren’t comfortable to lay on. They’re cold and hard. These ones were rigid and scratched up my skin more, but I couldn't get up. It felt so nice to lay down. I wasn’t relaxed but I was laying down. Then it happened.
I was crying now. I was silent for the most part, but I was still crying. Crying didn’t come easy to me, but it was coming easier now. But I just remember crying so much that the tears formed a puddle under my head. Then I heard the footsteps. I got scared when I heard them. I thought it was another one of those “investigators.” One that may have survived. I just closed my eyes, ready to accept my fate when I felt something slide to my face. It was warm and comforting. I opened my eyes and there you were. There you were. You had your hand on my face, cupping it gently. Your finger pushed up underneath the eyepatch and pulled it off. Then you smiled. I have never seen you smile before. You had always been so serious, but here you were smiling at the wreck that was me. You told me we won, that we’ll be safe now. I remember not understanding fully if we did actually win. What if you were just saying that?
I sighed. Maybe it was over. That means we could live in peace. I sat up and looked at you. You smiled again and helped me up. Then there was knocking. No, there wasn’t knocking. Why am I hearing knocking? It’s getting too loud. You said my name. No, you were silent the whole time. Why am I hearing this? This didn’t happen. This didn't happen! Make it stop this didn't happen! Knock! Knock! Knock! Toruu! Knock! This didn't happen!
I shot my eyes open to the present. That wasn’t right, then I heard it. There was some knocking at the door. That’s why it didn’t happen. I rubbed my eyes to wake myself up. I guess I had fallen asleep. The lack of sleep caught up with me finally, I guess. But what now? What now? Now? I don't know. I should know. But I don’t. I guess I should get up, answer the door maybe. Maybe that would be helpful.
“TORUU! Toruu!” Someone kept yelling my name. Then the knocking got louder. I got up shakily, my legs ready to give out already. I started to put one foot in front of the other and did the same thing over and over again. I then paused at the door. Why was this familiar? It was so familiar. Deja Vu. I hate it. What was this? Why did it feel so familiar? I don't know what to do. This person is still yelling at the door for me to open the door because they see my shadow under the door. But I don’t want to open the door. I hate the open door. I hate that they’re yelling at me. So I have to open the door. But I don't want to open the door.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Me.” The person replied.
Then it hit me.
It hit me. It’s you, isn’t it? It’s you. You’re here. You’re calling me. It’s you wanting me to open the door. This feeling. I was sensing you. I felt my face tug to a smile. My heart started to race significantly. I thought my heart was going to explode from how fast it was going. My hands began to shake. They even started to gravitate toward the knob. My body knew who it was, and it wanted to see that person. I wanted to see that person. I had to see that person. It wasn’t wanted, it was needed. I needed to see you. If I didn’t, I don’t know what I would do. Finally, the compulsion broke, and I acted on it. My hands grabbed the knob and quickly turned it. I threw the door open and-
What? Why was there that knocking? I sat up in the bed and went to the door.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Me.”
The sense of happiness and safety I felt. My heart began to pick up speed and my hands shook. This overwhelming feeling of love. I don’t want it to stop. It was so nice. It was SO sweet. It was everything to me and I would kill to have that feeling again. And the one action I can remember is that I opened that door so quickly.
What was this? I don't understand. What is this? I fell to my knees. What? I can’t hear the yelling, the words, the air, the wheels, the medical equipment. I couldn't see anything. It was all blurry spots. Whatever this was, it hurts. It hurts. Because when I opened that door, it wasn’t you standing there. It wasn’t. You.